No, I didn't think so.

I'd apologize for the lack of updates and all that, but I'm not kidding anybody. I don't even know if anyone has ever looked at my blog. Maybe I'll have to find some sort of hit-tracker so I can stroke my ego with the massive amounts of people reading my blog. At this point, I can only assume the numbers are off the charts.

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

It's tough to stay optimistic all the time. It's easy enough to keep up the illusion of happiness in front of other people, but it's not so easy to trick yourself. We all have our good days, and our bad days, but eventually the good days just don't seem quite so nice anymore. It's like a painting that's starting to run because the paint's still wet. There may be lots of bright colours, and a few dark colours, but as they blend, you'll notice that it doesn't seem so much like the dark colours get brighter, as the bright colours just get darker. Maybe it's just a point of view, a sort of "glass is half full" type deal.

I'd like to say maybe it's just me, but that's being pretty naive. I know that some of my friends feel the same way, even if they don't talk about it. Some of them have turned gradually to alcohol as a way to deal with their problems, or, more likely, to avoid them completely. A couple others have been medicated, but that never seems to fix anything. I know exactly where I'd tell the doctor to shove his Prozac if he told me those little pills would help me . Screw that noise.

So what options are left for those of us who don't feel depressed enough to get treatment, but at the same time feel like things are gradually going downhill? One good friend of mine is a firm believer in therapists, and thinks everyone should try going to one at least once. Personally, I'm rather skeptical about that. I mean, sure it helps to talk things over, but is a therapist really going to help me accomplish something, or are they just going to suggest bullshit Psych101 answers that really don't get me any further ahead.

I suppose blogging is one way the masses have started to self-therapize(I can make up words if I want to.) The comfort of being able to type away at a keyboard while staying completely anonymous is the perfect solution for those people who may be socially inept, or who just don't know where else to turn. I just wish I could stop worrying so much and deal with my problems. If I could do that, I wouldn't be sitting at this computer right now and writing this.

A large part of why I feel so down all the time is a complete lack of love-life that's been on-going for several years now. Is it me? Of course it is. I've been told by a lot of my close female friends that I'm a good-looking guy, and how lucky I'll make some girl one day. Great, that's exactly what I needed to hear. It was a big help, thanks. It really doesn't help that I almost all of them were girls I was really interested in, only to have them start dating somebody else, all the while acting like I'm their loving older brother or something. I just don't know what to do when I'm interested in a girl. That's the biggest problem in my life right now, and it has been since right after high school. I had a couple of girlfriends in high school, but they were both girls that I knew were interested in me before I asked them out. The problem is, unless I'm almost positive that there won't be a rejection, I don't make a move. Why risk it, right? Fuck, I have to get over this shit.

I'm a fucking Vigilante

It was her birthday yesterday. The birthday party held in her honour over the weekend was a disaster, caused by non other than the "generous" friend who had offered to throw said party in the first place. Not really the best way to celebrate. Then, to really stir things up, her bike was stolen yesterday. Not cool at all...

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I also had my bike stolen recently, so I sympathized with her, and offered what seemed at the time to be nothing more than hollow condolences. Bike stolen in Montreal? Fat chance you'll see that baby again, right? Well, apparently not.

Here I am, walking outside on my break at around midnight the night after the aforementioned bike theft. My initial path would have led me far away from the scene of the recovery, but for some reason I took a right hand turn at the last second. It was the kind of last-second turn that makes people think "I wonder what that was about?" (To tell you the truth, I was looking for a depanneur to buy myself a Prime Time, one of those cigarette/cigar hybrids they sell in individual packages. You know the ones I'm talking about.) As I get about a block down the street, I look across to the other sidewalk, and see some kid bike up to a couple of guys in trenchcoats. He's obviously trying to strike some sort of deal with them, but I the bike looks very familiar, so I walk up to him and grab the handlebars before he realizes I'm coming.

'Where did you get this bike, man?" I asked. Now, I'm not a violent person, but at 6'5' and over 200lbs, I'm sure I look like I could be rather violent.

"uh, I found this bike" cam the little shit's lame reply.

I was having no part of this punks attitude. While still firmly holding the handlebars, I kept giving the kid shit and threatening him with calling the cops. None of this seemed to phase him, but as I got more and more agitated I could tell the kid was getting nervous. Finally I demanded to know what he thought he was going to do with the bike.

"Nothing," he said.

"Good, "said I. "Now give it to me"

At this point the little prick decided it wasn't worth a potential stomping from a guy twice his size, so he started asking if he could at least get, and I quote "3 bucks to buy a beer or something." Needless to say, he didn't get shit, and I don't know where he ran off to after that.

What I do know is one girl who's going to get a nice late birthday present from a good friend who just happened to have neglected to buy her something.

That's some heavy shit...

I saw a quote the other day, and at first I thought "Man, that's some heavy shit."

The quote is this: 'I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet.'

I've done a few google searches, trying to find where that quote came from, but no one really seems to know. Most often, it seems to be used by someone wanting someone else to look at their post/blog and think, much as I did, "Man, that's some heavy shit." I guess it makes them feel like they're on a deeper level than the rest of us.

My question is this: Why does everyone automatically assume this person with no feet is in such a sorry state, that we can use them as a way to reassure ourselve that we havent fallen that far yet. That's a pretty ignorant way of looking at the world. There are people out there that have had a really rough deal in life, and they're probably much happier and more content with their lives than I am with my own. I like to think I'm a pretty normal guy. I'm in my mid-twenties, going to university, living in a beautiful city, and working a decent job. Not too much to worry about when you get right down to it.

Well...surprise. I worry about stupid, pointless shit all the time. I don't know why, obviously my priorities are a bit fucked up, considering the sorry state of the world today. Do you want to know what my number one priority is? Me. I'm always looking out for myself, but probably not in the way you'd think. See, I'm always doing my best to portray a certain image of myself. A way I want everybody else to see me. Unfortunately, I just don't see myself in the positive way I want everybody else to see me. I'm constantly questioning myself, unsure of how other people perceive me. I just hate that feeling of...I hesitate to say rejection...it's more of a dismissal. Even walking down the street, I feel like nobody sees me most of the time. I convince myself that they've looked long enough to realize I'm not worth a second glance, and I'm forgotten. It's almost instantaneous. Most of the time I don't even feel like I get the glance. I'm just not worth the time it takes to look up, maybe?

Let's not jump to any conclusions. I don't think I'm falling into a deep depression, or anything like that. I've just been so self-conscious for so long now that it's like it's second-nature. We've all heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy, well maybe that's what this is. I convinced myself long ago that people only see me as a big loser. Sure, I have some good friends that I know care about me, but I just can't shake the feeling that if I say something wrong at some point, they'll slam the door on our friendship, leaving me out on the front step wondering what the hell just happened. With girls I get even worse. My mind races ahead to the point where I think I might fuck something up, and automatically shuts down. I convince myself not to risk hitting on a girl just so I don't hit that wall of disappointment later on down the road.

Do you think the footless guy has that problem? Can we immediately look at him and say "Shit, this guy leads one sorry life. He can't even walk right. How can he live a normal life?" Well, maybe you should stop and ask him. Maybe he'd appreciate that someone took a second to talk with him about it. For all we know, this guy is a hero who lost both of his feet to frostbite after walking 10 miles through a blizzard dragging a sled full of orphans to safety. Or maybe he was just born without feet and learned to cope with it. We don't have to look very far to find the people in our lives that need a few reassuring words from a friend. It could make their day, and maybe help them get things straightened just a bit. If there's somebody to listen, most people are willing to talk, and just being able to express your fears and concerns out loud is sometimes enough to put things back in a positive light. A second opinion is always preferred to that one opinion that keeps rattling around inside your head, building on itself until you can't get around it.

Feet aren't as important as you'd think. But that's my opinion

seriously

Just take a taste of all that sunlight. Delicious, no?

Trust me, you love it. Your body is agreeing with me. It's good for you.


While you're at it, maybe grab yourself a nice glass of water. Isn't that refreshing?


And away we go...